Guest Post: Transitioning Through Recovery; I Was Never Broken But I Was Always Strong
by
Admin
- 11:20
This is the fourth post of my Intersectional Advocacy Series, where people tell their stories of how other external factors in life have impacted their journey with their mental health. If you would like to get involved then you can tweet me or email me at onemorelightlb2@outlook.com.
This post was written by the wonderful Finlay; Finlay Games is a freelance Content Creator and a Student of The Open University. Writing as The Recovery Writer, and creating video content as Finntheinfinncible, Finlay shares his journey through mental illness and gender transition, to inspire others to make changes in their own lives on his website and YouTube channel. Here, he writes about how his experience with poor mental health and gender dysphoria impacted him throughout his life, and how transitioning changed his outlook on life.
TW: suicidal ideation, alcohol use
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I knew, from as young as I can remember, that there was something different about me.
I wasn't like the other girls. I didn't seem to be like anyone.
I felt deep down that there was something very broken about my insides. As l grew up, the evidence appeared to support this belief. Try as I might I could not socialise with the ease that other people managed; neither could I relax and enjoy life in the way that my peers did. I dragged my young body through the world with the weight of someone three times my age. I fantasised daily about contracting some lethal disease that would take me away from this alien planet to which l had ended up on by mistake.
I felt deep down that there was something very broken about my insides. As l grew up, the evidence appeared to support this belief. Try as I might I could not socialise with the ease that other people managed; neither could I relax and enjoy life in the way that my peers did. I dragged my young body through the world with the weight of someone three times my age. I fantasised daily about contracting some lethal disease that would take me away from this alien planet to which l had ended up on by mistake.
In the time between my teenage years and middle adulthood, I had been in and out of various counselling and therapy treatments. I arrived in my thirties, with a diagnosis of depression, generalised anxiety and personality disorder. Despite trying therapy after therapy, nothing changed. I decided that my original self-diagnosis was correct. I was 'off' in some way. I was like a rotten piece of veg that somehow manages to stay alive, albeit withered and dry, at the back of a dark cupboard.
My mental health continued to worsen, and I dealt with my low mood and anxiety by drinking and smoking myself into oblivion at every given opportunity. By 2010, I believed I had reached the end of the road in terms of help , having seemingly tried every therapeutic intervention that was available in my local town. I decided that if there was no more help available, it was time to find a way to end my life that wouldn't backfire.
In deciding that it was one more chance or die, I met with a therapist I had seen previously. The fact that I was feeling so desperate made me open up and be honest about the amount that I was drinking. My therapist suggested that I could try Alcoholics Anonymous - I laughed out loud at this. I was adamant that I was not an alcoholic. As far as I was concerned, I only drank because l had all these problems. Little did l know that I was about to find out, and come to admit, that the opposite was the case.
I only followed my therapist’s suggestion to prove her wrong, yet I didn't stop at one AA meeting. I found something in those rooms from the first time I sat down and so I stayed. Gradually, I managed to stack up some sober days and, with a clearer head, I began to face the parts of me from which I had been running away. With the help of my sponsor and a lot of self-reflection, I came to understand that my early feelings of 'something being off', that had then spiralled into severe depression, were gender dysphoria.
I realised that I wasn't broken, my body was misfiring. My body was running on oestrogen when in fact it needed testosterone to run correctly. I was a man, not a woman.
I realised that I wasn't broken, my body was misfiring. My body was running on oestrogen when in fact it needed testosterone to run correctly. I was a man, not a woman.
After many assessments and an excruciatingly long waiting time, I finally received my first testosterone injection in early 2013. I felt entirely different even after the first injection. Nothing changed physically of course, but it was as if, on the first injection, the key turned in my engine and for the first time in my life ticked over with a load affirmative roar.
At the time of writing this, it is 2019, and in the six years since I began my gender transition, I have changed in every way imaginable. Although the external changes are the most obvious, it is the internal changes which are the most profound. I do still have mental health challenges; transition doesn't cure everything overnight, especially when you transition at an older age. However, now that I feel at peace and at home in my body, I have both the strength and the desire to overcome these challenges.
As tough as life can often be with mental illness, l love the growth that comes with facing rather than running from challenges. I see my mental health journey and my self-discovery of myself as a man, as beautifully intertwined. Every time l learn new ways to manage my mental health, my identity strengthens and as my identity strengthens so does my mental wellbeing.
There have been times when I wondered if things would be different had I found out I was transgender earlier. Had l known that those early feelings were gender dysphoria, all these years of pain might have been avoided. However, it is impossible to know and a waste of my time to worry about it. Instead, I put all my energy into my passion for life. I am determined, despite my ongoing challenges, to make the most of the years I have left living as the man I was always meant to be.
Now, my mental illness is my strength and a positive force in my life. Sharing my story is something which gives me great joy. To be of help to others, to see other people light up and find their way forward, is the biggest gift in the world.
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If you are struggling right now and feel like you need to talk to someone, The Samaritans can be reached at 116 123.
For more information and advice on mental health issues in those who identify as LQBTQIA+ including a list of organisations specialising in LGBTQIA+ mental health, click here (NHS).
For information on support for alcohol abuse click here (NHS).
Interested in more content related to mental health? Click here to view more posts on this blog about mental health.
For information on support for alcohol abuse click here (NHS).
Interested in more content related to mental health? Click here to view more posts on this blog about mental health.
