MHAW19: Why I'm So Much More Than My BPD Diagnosis [Guest Post]
As part of an attempt to bring lesser discussed mental illnesses, disorders, and diagnoses to the forefront of the conversation this Mental Health Awareness Week, I've invited people to share their experiences about under-represented diagnoses in mental health (see the series here). Today's blog about Borderline Personality Disorder is from the lovely Megan Greenwood:
Hi, I’m Megan Greenwood and I’m really excited to guest feature on this blog, especially as it’s Mental Health Awareness Week! I’m here to talk about BPD, I was diagnosed two years ago and I’ve become quite vocal about it since. Some none mental health facts about me: I’m currently studying for a degree in Criminology with Psychology at the University of Hull (England), and I have a rescue dog called Eadie! My DM’s are always open, so feel free to chat away to me about anything! IG: @megankatieg Twitter: @alprohoe
TW: brief mentions of self harm and suicidal thoughts.
What is something you wish people knew about your diagnosis?
The first thing I’d like people to know is that whilst BPD is related to the personality, it is not innately who I am. Granted, I can take comfort in knowing that there is a name and a reason as to why i sometimes act and feel certain ways, but it is not the driving factor in who I am as a person. There are a multitude of things that I love and enjoy separate from BPD. I do not choose my clothes, friends, or hobbies based on the 9 criteria, I choose them because they let light into my life.
Another aspect of this diagnosis that holds great significance to me is the idea that it is chronic. I recall my first meeting with my psychiatrist after receiving my diagnosis, his words ring strong in my mind to this day:
“We can’t fix people like you, so you’ll being using these behaviours for the rest of your life”.
What he failed to acknowledge was that I had an incredible team of professionals that disagreed with him.
This anecdote is purely to show that he was wrong, I am currently five months free of service intervention, with the ability to keep myself safe and happy. Whilst some specific symptoms may follow you through to late adulthood, they will not always be so intense. BPD is not a death sentence, it will not ruin you, you can grow and change and learn to live positively.
What do you wish you could say to people?
I’m embarrassed. Perhaps for reasons that are completely unwarranted, but I’m still embarrassed. It’s not because of the diagnosis itself, having an illness is by no means something to be ashamed of, but the constant self-evaluation is exhausting. I am persistently self aware, and inherently very critical.
I shouldn’t have taken a step towards that man, maybe his girlfriend thinks I’m coming on to him? I should have said more/less, maybe they think I’m pretentious/uneducated? I should’ve rolled my sleeves down, they’ll think I’m an attention seeker now. It often feels like for every one thing I’ve done correctly, I’ve done a thousand things wrong - and I’m constantly trying to fix the mistakes I most likely haven’t even made. If I seem unnaturally still, my mind is chaotic - please be kind.
How do you think current attitudes, stigma, or media (TV, Film, etc.) contribute to misconceptions about your diagnosis?
There is such a positive movement for reducing the stigma of mental illness, unfortunately people only really have the time for you if you’re suffering from the ‘nicer’ illnesses like anxiety and depression. When it comes to personality disorders, schizophrenia, and bipolar disorder, the desire to help seems to vanish.
I can count on one hand the amount of positive portrayals of BPD I have seen (Welcome to Me is a wonderful example of this), but for the most part - BPD is demonized. The horror/thriller genres are most to blame for the negative depiction of borderline individuals. Mental illness is given as a reason for crime and violence, and If that is not the case, writers seem to subtly mention the diagnosis of the violent person in, despite it having no relevance to the story.
This is not just a problem in fiction, increasing numbers of violent crimes committed by white men are seen as the product of a mental illness. We must stop and think about what message this is sending out to wider society when trying to justify a criminals actions.
Shortly after my diagnosis, I unknowingly read Hidden Bodies, a book that shows a girl with BPD ruining a mans life, her boyfriend and family disown her for her irrational behaviour - this book sent me into a self destructive spiral, If she corrupted all the beautiful things in her life, then surely I would too.
The media, literature, and to some extent professional research are all contributing to the misconceptions that people with BPD are unpleasant. There will be times when we can be difficult to deal with, but we have an incredible ability to be empathetic and loving, so much so that our negative feelings often result in us punishing ourselves, no one else.
My experience with Borderline Personality Disorder…
I felt such relief when I was diagnosed, there was finally something I could resonate with. After years of counselling, medication, and therapy that didn’t work, and a misdiagnosis that did me more harm than good, I had a set of characteristics I could use to reassure myself that I wasn’t the only person in the world that felt the same way I did
Approximately 6 months after diagnosis, I was chosen to take part in the first round of Mentalisation Behavioural Therapy in my area. MBT essentially revolved around the ability to slow down, to stop yourself before acting on impulse. It was particularly beneficial to me when looking at interpersonal relationships, I learned how to view situations from another persons point of view and be more mindful of how others might think and feel before concluding how I assume them to. Symptoms of suicidal ideation and self harm have been prevalent in my life from bout the age of 11, as I grow older and learn more about myself and the disorder, these symptoms are not a present in my daily life.
Perhaps I am experiencing only a positive and calm period of life right now, things may go back to being turbulent and scary, but I can appreciate how far I have come since being told I would never change. As difficult as my experience with BPD has been for myself and those close to me, I don’t think I would change it if I could.
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If you are struggling right now and feel like you need to talk to someone, The Samaritans can be reached at 116 123.
Interested in more content related to mental health? Click here to view more posts on this blog about mental health.
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